Dartmouth Has a Fever

And MassDOT's Prescription is More Stroad

OK, back on the stroad! I finally had a (long) moment to view the public hearing hosted by MassDOT regarding their proposed plan for Route 6 in Dartmouth. Here’s the link to the video in case any of you are curious or bored enough to watch it yourself! Here’s a glimpse of MassDOT’s proposed plan, revealed Wednesday night:

For those of you who would like more of a summary of the hearing, I’ve provided it here with a transcription of the proceedings.

Please note— the following is a fictionalized, satirical take! I direct my critique toward the larger system, not toward any particular individual working (very hard I’m sure) within it.

MassDOT Design Public Hearing for Route 6 Improvements - March 29, 2023

MassDOT Project Manager: Good evening and welcome! In just a moment I’m going to turn it over to our engineer. He has a beautiful plan for this project. A big beautiful plan. He will try to explain it in terms you townspeople can understand. And then you can ask your townspeople questions. You are good townspeople. We love to listen to you!

Engineer: We saw that your town, uh (checks notes)… Dartmouth, has some walkable, mixed-use development in a small area on the waterfront that has become incredibly valuable land, meaning that most townspeople are priced out of it. Rather than encourage the growth and replication of this more valuable area and increased walking, biking, and transit access to it from the surrounding areas, you’ve contained it within exclusionary single-family zoning. Looks like you also made some big bets on a bunch of strip malls, an actual mall, a business park and some satellite medical centers. All of those commercial islands are surrounded by a sea of free parking, which helps to spread everything out and ensure that nothing is accessible by anything other than driving. Now you’re all stuck in your cars, waiting for that knucklehead to make a left turn across traffic while you fiddle with the radio.

Townspeople: Yes! Help us! Get rid of the knuckleheads!

Engineer: So we looked at that and modeled it, and it’s too expensive and illegal.

Townspeople: Boo!

Engineer: We also thought about doing a longer study in which we analyzed the actual source of all this traffic as it relates to the Growth Ponzi Scheme. We thought about leveling with you about the limitations of the U.S. road classification system. We thought about how we could compare adding lanes and expanding roads to when you lick your lips when they’re wicked chapped and then moments later your lips are worse but you just want to lick them again.

Townspeople: We need chapstick!

Engineer: If by “chapstick” you mean a long-term approach to remediating bad planning bets based on humble observation by members of your community and painstaking trial and error coupled with tight feedback loops, we considered that. But we’re road-building experts, not frickin’ anthropologists. So instead we’re gonna build a bigger stroad.

Townspeople: ??

Engineer: You all hate this stroad, right?

Townspeople: Hell yes!

Engineer: Well, I know it’s hard for you as townspeople to understand (mumbles something about LOS) but what will actually make this stroad better is if we feed it.

Townsperson: I drive the stroad west— can you make it bigger there?

Engineer: Absolutely

Townsperson: I drive it east— will it be bigger there?

Engineer: Sure! We’re adding turning lanes and lots of stacking, so there will never be congestion again. Read my lips: No. New. Congestion!

Townsperson: How do you know that there won’t be more congestion? Wouldn’t that mean predicting an unpredictable future?

Engineer: Silence! We’re engineers! Our models can predict the future!

Townsperson: But how come they didn’t predict it when you improved the stroad the last time?

Engineer: Those were the old models. Those models sucked. We have new models and these models are 83% better at predicting the future. We know where and when the traffic will form. We even know when you will die.

Townsperson: When will we die?

Engineer: I’m not allowed to tell you. It would f#%$ with the multiverse.

Townsperson: Did your models factor in the big new business park they’re building nearby that’s been reported on in the news for the past few years?

Engineer: We didn’t know about that. But now we do! THIS is why we have these hearings. We love to listen and learn. In the time it took me to say that, our models have already incorporated this information into our perfect future predictions.

Townsperson: What if you’re wrong?

Engineer: Silence, Fool!… I mean, we love that question. That is a precious question; we all waver in our faith. I assure you, however, that we are never wrong. Also, we’re gonna hedge and just make the stroad super huge in case we’re wrong.

Townsperson: You said you’re going to reduce congestion, but you’re also going to add another traffic signal. Don’t traffic signals—

Engineer: Aha! Great question. Beautiful question oh my. The current traffic signals cause congestion because they’re old and they suck. I don’t know who thought they were a good idea. So we’re not only going to add a traffic signal, we’re going to replace ALL the traffic signals with new, improved, super high-tech traffic signals. They’ll be perfectly timed! They talk to each other. The signal’s like “hey Faunce Corner Signal, I see you!” and the other signal’s like “let’s make these knuckleheads wait!” The signals are so smart, they will stay green for each of you but they’ll be RED for all the knuckleheads.

Townspeople: Yay!

Stroad Dweller: I live in a housing development on this stroad and I’ve noticed your plan precludes a left turn out of my driveway. So if I want to go east from my home I have to turn right and then go all the way to the next intersection and make a u-turn?

Engineer: That’s right! Smart lady.

Stroad Dweller: And then if I want to reach my home and I’m headed eastbound I need to make another u-turn to get home? So like I’ll be making multiple u-turns every time I leave my home?

Engineer: Correct! “U” are “scruuuuwed!” Haha! Sorry. In all seriousness, it will be better. The smart lights will make your radio commercial-free and your windshield wipers will never squeak.

Stroad Dweller: Thanks?

Townsperson: But this plan isn’t what we wanted… we all wanted to shift Tucker Road to create more of a grid and provide alternative routes connecting the north and south part of the town without everyone ending up on this stroad.

Engineer: Too expensive. You’re getting a bigger stroad instead.

Elected Town Official: I don’t remember voting for that. Shouldn’t we elected officials have some say in these types of things?

Engineer: Are you an engineer?

Elected Town Official: No?

Engineer: Then shut up and appreciate how hard we’ve worked on this plan. You will love this big stroad!

Elected Town Official: (Slumps shoulders) I will love this big stroad.

Engineer: Good boy.

Bike Advocate: Our town’s Master Plan spoke of the return to a more village-like development where residents can safely walk or bike from their homes to shopping, work, and more. Development of the empty shopping centers along Route 6 into mixed-use housing and retail was part of the proposal. We had hoped for a boulevard look, not a Route 1! Trees for beauty and canopy, bus stops, and safe crossings. What happened to our vision for a safe, multimodal Route 6 corridor?

Engineer: Cute! We love bikes and peds. Peds are people who for some reason are outside of their cars. They used to call them “people” but peds is an engineering term for “weirdo who is caught outside of a car.” Anyway we love you bikes and peds so much we made a path for you next to the big stroad. Just be careful of all the drive-thru driveways. And that lady making all the u-turns might kill you so for chrissakes wear some lights or it will be your fault. And the path randomly ends at a massive intersection. After that it’s spotty sidewalk and maybe some faded sharrows. Go with God.

MassDOT Project Manager: OK, so it’s been a few hours and by now there shouldn’t be any congestion at Faunce Corner so I for one am gonna enjoy that excess capacity and rock some Train while I speed through what’s left of your town on that sweet, sweet stroad. We loved your questions. Such good questions and we just learned so much. We’re gonna tell the smart signals about you and they’re gonna think about your input too. We will be sure to incorporate your ideas, dreams, and private wishes into the final stroad design, except for the stupid ones, which we will secretly laugh at. Then we may come back and share a slightly different version of this same plan and we can all have this same conversation again. Thanks and good night!